Spiritual Diary

THANKS BE TO GOD AND THE EVER VIRGIN MARY

1720
NOVEMBER 23, Saturday: which was the first day of my retreat at St Charles. Though unworthy, I went to Holy communion: I was neither particularly recollected nor distracted. During the rest of the day I was interiorly afflicted with a particular kind of melancholy, which is not like that which one expriences in the troubles of the world. Rather it is a certain interior suffering in spirit and heart, mingled with hidden temptations which are hardly recgnized as such. For this reason they afflict the soul very much. One does not know whether one is here or there, so to speak, the more so because there is no sensible sign of prayer during that time. I realize that God enables me to understand that they purify the soul. Through the mercy of our good God, I know that I do not desire to know anything else, nor to taste any consolation. I desire only to be crucified with Jesus.

NOVEMBER 24, Sunday: Though unworthy, I made prayer, I did not experience any particular spiritual uplift but I had my usual interior peace, that is to say, the pure loving attentiveness to God in general, which was infused into my spirit. Then, though unworthy I recieved Holy Communion and was recollected for some time, and then it ended that way.

NOVEMBER 25, Monday: I had no feeling in prayer, and I was also distracted. During Holy Communion I was recollected at first and then that ceased. Most of the fevor which I experienced-and there were also some tears-occurred during the night while I was praying to the Lord for the Church and for sinners so that He might be appeased as regards this imminent chastisement, which my sins deserve, and other prayers which I an not writing down here. During the rest of the day I was full of distress and melancholy and I was also tempted by pity for my family. It annoyed me to see people, to hear them passing by and to hear the sound of the bells. In short, I seemed to have a heart that was buried, without any feeling of prayer. Still I do not recall that I desired relief from it, and in my mind I an content to have them. But this contentment is not felt, since at this time there is distress of a particular kind. It is a certain contenment that the Most Holy Will of our good God is being done. And this contentment lies buried as it were beneath the ashes, in the most hidden part of the spirit. I know that it is hard to explain mself because one who has not experienced this finds it difficult to understand.

NOVEMBER 26, Tuesday: Though unworthy, I made prayer during the night and was dry except at the beginning, when I experienced some interior delight, which was very subtle and delicate. Afterwards I received Holy Communion and was particularly drawn up into God with a very deep delight and certain fevor of heart which even affected my stomach. I felt that this was supernatural and this gave me great consolation. I know that I also had some colloquies on the sorrowful passion of my beloved Jesus. When I speak to Him about His sufferings, I say, for example: "O my Good God, when you were scourged, what did you feel in your Most Sacred Heart?" My beloved Spouse, how much did the vision of my great sins and my ingratitude afflict you? O my Love, why do I not die for you? Why am I not overcome with sorrow? Then I feel that sometimes my soul can no longer speak, and it remaims thus in God with His sufferings into the soul and sometimes it seems that my heart would break. During the rest of the day, and especially in the evening I was particularly afflicted and melancholic in that above-mentioned way. Though this melancholy does not take away peace of heart, one feels great affliction when he no longer recalls either spiritual consolations or anything else, and it seems as if they had never been present. I know that I tell my Jesus that His crosses are the joys of my heart.
NOVEMBER 27, Wednesday: I prayed durint the night. In the beginning I was very recollected and that continued for a little while. Then I experienced some disturbing houghts and some temptations, which lasted a little while. At Holy Communion, I experienced a deep sweetness, and a spiritual uplift in, God along with tears. Then I remembered hearing that people had said that I would not be able to put up with this deprivation. At that moment so great was my joy in and desire for suffering that the cold, the snow and the ice seemed delightful to me, and I desired them with great fevor, saying to my beloved Jesus: "Your afflictions, dear God, are the pledges of your love." I remained thus, rejoicing in my beloved Jesus in very deep sweetness and peace without any movements of the faculties, but in silence. Fevor in praying for the above-mentioned needs did not cease; I know that I also had a particular impulse to go to Rome for this great wonder of God. I also asked my Sovereign Good whether He wanted me to write the Rule for the Poor of Jesus, and I felt a strong urge to do so with great delight. I rejoeced that our great God should wish to make use of this great sinner; on the other hand, I knew not where to turn, realizing that I am so wretched. Enough! I know that I tell my beloved Jesus that all creatures shall sing his mercies.

NOVEMBER 28, Thursday: In Prayer I was dry and a little distracted. At Holy Communion I was recollected. Aferwards, that is, during thanksgiving and prayer, I experienced much tenderness and even tears, especiall while praying to the Soverign Good for the successful outcome of the holy inspirations which, through His infinite Goodness, He has given to me and continully gives to me. I remember that I kept praying to the Blessed Virgin in union with all the Angels and Saints, and especially the Holy Founders. In an instant it seeme to me that I saw them in spirit prostrate before the Most High Majesty of God praying for this intention, This happened to me in an instant like a flash of lightning in delight mingled with tears. I did not see them in bodily form, but I saw them in spirit with the understading of the soul. I do not know how to explain this and it disappeared quite suddenly.

NOVEMBER 29, Friday: Though unworthy, I made prayer and received Holy Communion. I was dry and during prayer I was distracted. I want to explain what happens to me in the distractions. When I am distracted, my soul remains neither more nor less in peace with God, despite the fact that it is troubled with thoughts which molest me. Sometimes I say to my mind, which strays here or there ;"Go where you will as long as you always walk in God." I cannot express what happern to me during these distractions, that is what kind of thoughts have passed through my mind in the time of prayer-except when they are evident temptations. I only know that they are indifferent things and sometimes I recall that spiritual thoughts also come to me. Nevertheless, through the understanding which God gives to me (and I an aware of it), I know that the soul always remains fixed in God with His peace, but it remains more unfeeling and hidden. And the will, which is the mouth through which the holy food of God's love enters, perceives this . The soul, however, continues to be nourished secretly, because of the hindrance which these two faculties-memory and understanding-cause it, for they wander off into distractions. Nevertheless it does not fail to remain totally attentive to its nourishment, which is the holy love of God, all the more so since it does not enjoy it as much as when united to the other two faculties. And this, in my opinion, is like an infant who has its mouth on its mother's breast and swallows the milk. He squirms and fidgets with his hands and feet, he turns his head and makes other similar movements, but he is always taking milk, Because he never takes his mouth away from his mother's breast. He would certainly do much better for himself if he remained quiet instead of acting as I have just described. Nevertheless the milk goes down the throat because the infant never taks his mouth away from his mother's breast. So it is with the soul. The will is the mouth which never fails to suck the milk of holy love, even though the faculties of memory and understanding wander off. It is certain, however, that it experiences more help when the faculties of memory and understanding are quiet and united with it. I do not know how to explain myself better, because the Lord does not enable me to understand it in any other way.